I'm a broke Escort. How can I make money fast?

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What should I be for Halloween?

Dear God, WEAR A COSTUME! 

Halloween is a chance for prude, boring girls to dress up like sluts.  But as escorts, we're pros!  We know how to work sexy outfits.  For once, the public gets to appreciate why we're so amazing.

I can always spot an escort at a costume party.  She's NOT the one surrounded by her girlfriends, giggling like a hyena, surreptitiously sniffing her armpits for B.O.

She's the one surrounded by all the boyfriends.  She sweats confidence. She's got a cellphone holstered in her garter belt. (you never know, clients get lonely on holidays)

Here are the top 10 sexy, (and ironic) costumes an escort should wear on Halloween. 

1. BEAVER
It's cute, and ours pays the bills.

    2. PIMP
    Work like a boss, play like a boss.

3. JAIL BAIT
Here's to not hoping.












4. COP 
When you can't beat em, join em.

         5. GEISHA
         In Japan, the escort is adored.















6. GANGSTA 
We got bills and skills.











 7. GOLD DIGGER 
 At least we're honest about it.








8. COUGAR
Mature escorts are wise and sexy.


 

9. DEVIL
Your girlfriend's nickname for us.

 10. DELIVERY
 The best things cum to your door.

xoxo
Chastity B.


ps. Look out for me in LA, here's what I'll be wearing : )

What's the #1 Piece of Advice for an Escort?

Simple. It's just one word. (and a number)

Kall8.  www.kall8.com.
No joke, this thing will add at least 100k a year to your business.  Everyone who already has it is going to be super pissed I'm spilling the beans.

Haven't heard of Kall8?  I bet your agency has.  Are you sick of digging in your purse for six different cell phones, or burning your corneas out staring at the computer screen and waiting for google voice texts to come through?

You should be out and about, sipping a latte, enjoying the smog and traffic and Occupy Wall Street Peeps, with ONE phone in your Prada bag.

Here's why I love kall8.

-You can assign 20+ numbers to one single phone.  Guard this phone with your life, mind you.

-You can pick the numbers yourself.  It's a fact that clients prefer hot girls who also have easy to remember digits.

-You can name the numbers "Tiffany" or "Jenny" so you know which ad is being called.  No more guessing about whether you are supposed to be a blonde.

-You can analyze whether "Tiffany" or "Jenny" gets more phone calls.  This way if Tiffany is under-performing, she can quickly be voted off the island.

-You can record all phone conversations automatically.  Try not to panic if your Minnie Mouse voice isn't as cute as initially imagined.

-You can view the entire incoming call history, going back for years.  No more racing off the toilet seat to pick up the phone and hear someone breathing hard.

xo
Chastity

ps. I forgot the best part about Kall8, the automatic phone line trace.  It's the perfect built-in screening tool for escorts!

Thanks to the internet, you can now stalk anyone right from your very own home.

I need Louis Vuitton more than air. Can I Have a Wishlist?

If you have your own escort website, and you want to acquire some cool stuff, why the heck not?


What is a wishlist?
Think of an adult version of those notes taped to the mantelpiece for Santa. You can even hyperlink the goodies for easy online access.

What should be on my wishlist?
Presents that range in prices, to fit many budgets. Old stand-byes are lingerie, flowers, chocolate and massages. (Not the happy-ending kind this time.) If you are still jonesing for that Prada Satchel, go ahead and put it down. But stay away from too many high ticket-items, focus on the small stuff. An Audi R8 might be pushing it.  (Speaking of R8's, please see my wishlist below)


How long should my wishlist be?
No more than 10 items. Too many, you look like Miss. Piggy.

Tip #1 - Be specific.  If you just put "sexy underwear" you might be embarrassed later, trying to return some florescent yellow, crotchless, "scratch-n/sniff" panties.  Say something like "La Perla Thong."

Tip #2 - Don't be too specific.  Asking for "The lighter pink, size small, suede backed, thick-strapped, perforated...etc" reveals you are more high maintenance than the naggiest of girlfriends.

Tip #3 - The wishlist is not the ten commandments. Remember that cash is king, and with it you can always buy anything from your list. 

Tip #4 - Type your birthdate somewhere near the wishlist. (Year is not necessary)  Studies show that birthdays increase probability of Louis Vuitton times three.


xo
Chasity


Chastity's Wishlist

1. Audi R8 (I break my own rules)
2. Louis Vuitton XL Mahina
3. UJENA Diamond Head Bikini
4. Assorted Macarons
5. Godiva Milk Chocolate Box
6. Satin Panty Black-S

Should I be a Racist?

I can't tell you how many escorts put 'stipulations' on the types of men they are willing to see. Here are some of the most common.

- "I don't see black men.  They sleep with too many people." (Really, if you're any good at this business, are you one to talk?)

- "I don't see Mexicans.  They are really horny." (What are they supposed to be when they see you...chaste?)


-"I don't like Asians because I can't understand them." (Don't worry, another escort will jump at the opportunity.  PS, please accept my nomination for the Miss Xenophobe Contest.)

- "I don't like the Jewish guys, because they never tip." (I'll top your stereotype with my stereotype.  Jews are all rich and smart. And they don't tip, they TIP.)

Sometimes escorts will bashfully admit the above list, and other times they'll rattle it off shamelessly.  It's funny, because these are often the same escorts who have no problem seeing morbidly obese men, or sloppy, falling down-drunks.   Have you ever had to walk with a drunk guy to an ATM?  That's what I'd be avoiding.

Occasionally, girls will state they only want to see men who are, surprisingly, OVER 40.  They claim that these men are "mature," which I believe is the politically correct term for "solvent."  These escorts might be on to something.

Lesson of the day. You shouldn't be a racist.  It will improve both your business and your soul. Smart, savvy escorts don't discriminate on a color basis.

Really, you are just too stupid for this industry if you're going to turn down a hottie from the Lakers, a cattle farm king from the bible belt, or a Korean business mogul.  Which leads to the central and underlying thesis of today's post.

Escorts shouldn't be racists.  Escorts should be classists.

xo
Candace

Should I Be Exclusive?

Yea, right. Oh wait, you mean with my booker? Now that's a different story.

Logically, the more agencies you work with, the more calls you'll get right? To some extent this is true. But if you spread yourself too thin and hardly pick up your phone, the booker will sense it and stop throwing "bones" in your direction. Pretty soon you'll be at the bottom of everyone's priority list.

A lot of providers will tell you to skip the agency. But a popular escort has a busy schedule, and like all successful people, needs some kind of secretary.

My suggestion is to acquire 50 percent of business from your own promotion (no splitting of profits necessary) and choose one agency to take the other 50 percent. Be honest, and tell your agency that you're only working with them. Tell them you trust them, and you want to be the first one sent out on jobs. They will appreciate your dedication and most certainly reward this.


So how does an agency get to be your one and only?

1. They need a great booker. Ideally, she should work about 90+ hours a week and know you better than your own mother.

2. They need a lot of other hot girls besides you. You shouldn't get too competitive. More beautiful women attract more high-paying men and everyone benefits.

3. They need to take a smaller cut than you. Yes, they might be spending a lot of time and money, but you are the actual soldier on the front lines.

4. They need references. Are their other girls getting sent out enough? Treated well enough?

5. They need to meet you in person. Any agency that won't interview you live is a scam. Or they are lazy.  Neither is good. Next they'll be asking you for a deposit to work for them. 

On a final note, I'm all for being as honest as possible with your agency, or with anyone for that matter. But if an agency commits the above faux-pas, please give them a taste of their own medicine. 

STEP 1. Tell them YOU need a deposit to tide your over till your first job comes.  They'll likely give it to you.  They know that sexy, reliable talent is hard to find. 

STEP 2. Stay sexy, but become unreliable and run.


xoxo
Chastity

You Know You’re an Escort if…

1. You’re staying at a 2 star motel, and there are only Hummers and Mercedes in the parking lot.

2. You’re staying at a 5 star hotel, and all the women are under 25.

3. You wish your Victoria’s Secret Charge Card earned miles. You’d have six free round-trips to Japan

4. You’re “time of the month” comes not only once a month, but conveniently whenever you need to play hookey from something.

5. You could compete in the Fastest Texters in the Universe Olympics and definitely place.

6. You know more about the finest hotels, restaurants and hotspots in the city than Yelp.

7. You watch double agent spy movies and feel as though you identify with the main characters.

8. You think a 9-5 job at Dunder-Mifflin is like a 15-20 year sentence at San Quentin.

9. You prefer three letter acronyms to complete phrases. GFE, PDA, LOL, OMG, etc.

10. You burst out laughing whenever your friends or family say “I want to go to Greece."

Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Don’t worry, I won’t sign-off without a tidbit of advice:

Set the mood for your clients and create a sexy play-list on your Ipod. I have it in pink, of course.



Speaking of top ten lists, her are my favorite “looove” tracks.  (and, shit. Now you know my age.)

Ben Harper - Sexual Healing
Latyrx - Balcony Beach
Faithless - Reverence
Sting - Fields Of Gold
Dave Matthews Band - Grace Is Gone

Kaskade - I Remember
Dido - Here With Me
John Mayer - Half Of My Heart
Chris Isaak - Wicked Game
Buddha Lounge - The Rag-And-Bone Man



xo
Chastity

Should I Host Incalls at My Place?

NO. Sorry.

A lot of you might disagree, because incalls from home are both cheap and convenient.  They "seem" safer. (see below to learn otherwise.)  Clients feel more comfortable.  This last statement I hear so often, but let's be completely honest.  It's kind of like the infamous condom argument.

Does a man want to skip the condom and get nothing?  Or does he want to wear it and go all the way?

Enough said.

Speaking of which, not to sound like a total mom, but I've got to squeeze in the PSA.

Always use condoms. 



And now, why Incalls at your place are a TERRIBLE idea.

-Unless you live on a 90 acre estate in Wyoming, your nosey neighbors are going to clue in very quickly.
-You're inviting a stranger into your home.  Some clients are perfect, but others will rob you blind.
-Your residence is not liquid.  If there's a problem, you can't bail. And PS. Your name's on everything.

Don't get me wrong.  Incall is fabulous.  It represents the majority of bookings, and it often happens during convenient business hours.  Here are some ways to make incall work for you.

-Invest in a hotel room.  A decent one (Best Western and up) will put clients at ease, while improving your own experience.
-Split a short-term rental with friends.  That way you can still use a house/apartment.  You can even stock it with nice goodies for that homey, safe feel. 
-Go through an agency for incalls.  They take the financial/personal risk, and you just have to show up on location.


xo
Chastity

To Shave or Not to Shave...That is the Question.

And here is the answer.

YES to all obvious parts like legs, armpits, lip-line, bootie-crack etc.  The list goes on and I don't care if you're going for the au-natural, hippie, I-unrealistically-want-peace-all-over-the-world-and-I'm-expressing-it through-my-body-hair-look.  Men prefer clean, feminine, sexy, women.   SMOOTH women.  The only reason not to shave the above bits is if you prefer waxing, lotion removal or electrolysis.  Just be sure to get rid of the damn hair.

But on to a more relevant question.  Should you shave your Va-Jay-Jay?  If you do...

-There are pluses: Youthful, cleaner look, easier to access the Golden Gate.

-There are also minuses: Painful ingrown hairs, constant lawn care maintenance.

Here's my answer.  Variety is the spice of life, so change it up.  A lot of older guys appreciate a modest bush because it reminds them of their sexual fantasies from youth.  It also makes you stand out in a pack that nowadays generally prefers Brazilians.  But whatever you do, always at least trim the hedge so it is no longer .5 inches.  Also keep the square footage down, so that none poke out from even your skimpiest of thongs.


On a final note, here is my big secret for a guaranateed "bang-for-the-buck" response.  Shape your hedge.  First (using a mirror) draw a heart outline with bright red lipstick over your pubes.  Then, tilting the razor as you go, remove all hair outside of the stencil.  Rinse off lipstick and voila...sexy, cute, perfection!  xo Chastity